Worst Realization of my Life

So ever since i worte my last blog, i just couldn't stop thinking about it. Well tonight as i was laying in my bed listening to "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory (good song by the way) Well i realized that I am a suicidal maniac. I realized that deep down I am terrified of my future. So scared i don't want to live it. I really don't want to live through the rest of my life. My life is truely great but....i think i have some kind of mental problem. I;m not sure. Deep down I want some reason to get off of this earth. Earlier when I called myself a "suiciddal maniac" I really didn;t mean that, cause I really don't want to kill myself. I just want a reason to leave like cancer or something. Maybe I could be saving someone's life. Just I am going to change that though cause i'm pretty sure that right now I sound crazy and I will not be surprised if people come to my house tomorrow and wrap me up into this white coat and strap my arms down. (Please don't though)